Alcohol Is Part Of My Family Tree…

…As much as my parents, siblings and any other human relation is. Alcohol may as well be a relation.

Due to my DNA, upbringing and environment it is almost predetermined I will have a negative relationship with alcohol. It would be surprising if I didn’t either love it or hate it. Realistically, I am highly likely to be prone to binge drinking or straight alcoholism. I have made an illustration for an example (I am no graphic designer so please don’t judge me):

Let me expand… My nan enjoys a few cans every night and wasn’t the most emotional person as my mother was growing up.

In return, my mother was pretty much emotionally neglected, rebellious, in a marriage aged 21 due to being pregnant and not very happy. The result? My mum has been an alcoholic since she was about 26 and all of her children have been in the care system at some point in their life. There have been breaks and there have been phases of no alcohol or occasional drinking but they don’t last. Saying this, my mother has been the best and I love her to pieces!

My father has never been on the scene as a father role model. He makes odd appearances a few times a year if we are lucky. Most of the time we are not – I have come to accept this. He has been a drinker since he got with my mother. It caused numerous fights and arguements, a broken cheek bone (my mothers) and a heart attack (my father himself). My dad knows he has a problem but I think he is stuck in his ways – he is used to being by himself, doing what he wants regardless. He does not take his heart medicines because they do not go with alcohol. He ignores the aches and pains he feels daily. I love my dad, as useless as he has been: He has never pretended to be anything else.

My older sister left home at 16, has had many mental health issues and also has had a bad relationship with alcohol – she doesn’t know when she has had too much. This is obviously a very broken down simplified version as the whole background is very long and complicated.

My younger sister started running away from home aged 13/14, didn’t do her GCSEs, got pregnant at 14 and now has my 2 year old niece. She has been to youth offenders for being drunk & disorderly and my niece is now on the child protection list due to my sisters alcohol problem – she was drinking nearly every day at one point, secretly, denying it with cold hard evidence being produced and we had no idea what to do.

So we’ve got a 70+ year old, a 50 year old, a 29 year old and a 17 year old all with alcohol problems to different extents.

And then there is me. I’m 21. In November 2009 until July 2010, I discovered that I enjoyed cognac. And between those 8/9 months, I managed to get through about 15 75cl bottles of the stuff, either shared with friends or by myself. I could drink 4 days out of 7; days in a row and all for no particular reason other than the fact I was bored and unmotivated and I could. It is not hard to become a drinker for want of something to do. And then for those stressful moments. And then for the good moments. And then because you have a bit of extra money. I wasn’t an alcoholic and I didn’t have a drink problem - I simply drank because I could. (Below: the empty cognac bottles I bothered to collect, give or take the few that were consumed elsewhere or I just didn’t bother to safe… you can see my preference clearly)

I moved back to London in April 2011 and drank probably every weekend with my ex-partner who also enjoyed a drink. That was social drinking. I got so good at it, I knew that once my face started to feel numb – it was time to stop drinking for the night. I guess that’s not a good thing but it was good enough for me.

My pregnancy has been my turning point and also witnessing my younger sisters problems. I haven’t drank since June 2011 and I have become rather opposed to the substance – as I have been staying at my mums for the last few months, I feel I have been surrounded by alcohol nearly every other day due to one person or another. It has tore apart my family on numerous occasions, caused years worth of problems, and no one in my family really knows when to stop or see’s that it doesn’t have a good effect on any of them often. The smell of alcohol – especially cognac (ironic?) turns my stomach since I’ve been pregnant and the idea of being around intoxicated people doesn’t appeal to me.

When my baby is born, who knows what may happen? I worry that it is in my genes, that I cannot avoid it and that maybe I will always want a drink. But I pray that I am wise enough to know better and strong enough to do better. I love my family. I do not love them any less for this reason. I just wish I knew how to fix it sometimes.