I’ve noticed that my next appointment at 34 weeks is to discuss labour and my birth plan and all the other stuff you try to ignore for as long as possible during pregnancy (especially if it’s your first time and you’re scared shitless!).

So technically speaking I have a birth plan. The plan is as follows:

• Whoever I say I want in the room, is who I want in the room – mostly my mother!
• I don’t care what pictures are taken as long as the baby comes out
• Do not offer me pain relief until I ask for it
• To avoid tearing/episiotomy, I want to labour on all fours and be coached on when to push and when not to
• I will be wearing my glasses until I want to take them off or have to take them off
• Let me do what I want, when I want. If I say I want to walk – let me do so etc
• Induction – I’d rather not unless necessary
• C-Section: Once again, I’d rather not unless necessary in which case I want to be involved in the decision and my mum will be coming with me!
• I will be using the birthing pool and birthing ball
• I don’t want to be seperated from baby during newborn procedures where possible

That is the basics of my birthing plan. Nothing complicated, extreme or exciting. I personally only made the plan so I had something to tell my midwife at the appointment.

In my mind, in reality, this plan means not much to me. Labour is so unpredictable and it’s my first time so I’m already aware anything could happen and I have no idea what to expect.

The real birth plan goes like this:

• Stay at home for as long as possible avoiding baths and relaxation: the more I move, the quicker this labour moves!
• Try the birthing center with birthing pool, birthing ball and only gas&air etc
• If the pain is too much: do not pretend it isn’t & take any and all pain relief available
• If there is any sign of complication or distress: do whatever is best for baby whether it’s a c-section, episiotomy or induction
• Try not to crap myself during the process (it does happen!)
• Do not push until I am ready: I’ve seen too many mistakes made due to impatient midwifes
• If none of this comes to mind at the time: do whatever the hell I feel like! Cry, moan, shout, cry some more, panic, believe that this is the end and I am dying, swear like a trooper and whatever else comes to mind!

The above is my real, realistic, blunt, no bullshit, no false pretenses birth plan. I am under no illusions that it will hurt – I’ve no pain threshold as I’ve never experienced more pain than a tattoo needle! I have already accepted that: I will cry and I will swear and I will definitely declare more than once that I “can’t do it, don’t want to do it, have changed my mind and will wait a few more weeks, don’t want her anymore, and am now dying a slow and painful death“.

My mother keeps telling me I might surprise myself and handle it really well. I keep telling my mother I might not surprise myself and handle it exactly how I expect to LOL. In all honesty, I don’t really care how I handle it – I just want the end result! I feel like I’ve been pregnant for 5 years already and I just want to meet Shy now. Once she is here, all of the above will become irrelevant bits of the past that just helped me get my future. 

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• 36 weeks pregnant and thinking about D-Day (growingmyfamilytree.wordpress.com)
• Entonox? Yes, please! (lifeloveandlivingwithboys.wordpress.com)